This Thanksgiving would have been six years since I’ve seen my mother. I was five months pregnant at the time.
My life has been so much better since that Thanksgiving night.
I went no contact in the summer of 2021. She has tried to reach out via text every now and then. Sometimes letting me know about the passing of people from my past, which whom I haven’t spoken to or seen in 20 or more years. Sometimes it’s begging me to talk to her, or berating me because of her half ass apologies like, “I’m sorry you feel I was a bad mother.”
Which I have never said, for the record if anyone is keeping one.
Sometimes it’s wishing me a happy anniversary,….on the wrong day.
Or sending me a link for a Starbucks gift card. Because Starbies fixes everything a narcissist does. Oh rapture!
A lot of my friends don’t know that I no longer have a relationship with her and the topic comes up and when it’s revealed, I make sure to tell them to not feel sorry for me or apologize for bringing it up, etc. It happens. It’s a lot to talk about. It’s utterly exhausting.
I decided to write her a letter this year about her toxic behavior, in a general sense but made sure to put in the biggest blows she’s given out. It was inspired by two things: her total lack of boundaries as Brandon was fighting for his life in the hospital this year and she wanted to come to the hospital just so she could see me and I “had to accept her help” (Fuck that) and for a comment she made (it was sent to two of her ‘former’ closest people via text and it was forwarded to me) in May 2023 about Brandon’s terminal cancer.
I wrote it before Brandon passed. He died. I made some solid edits. Mailed it out on April Fool’s Day. Even gave Emma the honor of putting it in the mailbox. She didn’t know what it was for, she just loves putting mail in the mailbox. I also mailed copies to my siblings and shared it with close friends and family who know what I’ve been through.
And before I share it with you, let me share this song first.
I discovered this song over the summer and I instantly connected with it. Not sure if the song is supposed to be about a toxic person, but that’s what I got from it.
I sat down on the floor, stared at the ceiling
Told myself through white lies, someday I’ll believe it
There’ll be a happy ending (there’ll be a happy ending)
I’ve spent too much time in the mirror
That little girl would stare back, now I don’t see her
She couldn’t keep pretending (she couldn’t keep pretending)
You’ve done the damage
But she’s not abandoned
You brought the fire (fire)
Baby, you burned her
She wasn’t a fighter, so I had to show her
Some people grow up (grow up)
You just grew older
You thought it was done but this isn’t over
Oh
This isn’t over
I’ll never forgive you and I won’t forget
You think she’ll come back, I wouldn’t hold your breath
You would’ve died long ago (oh, oh)
I should’ve seen the signs
Oh, I should’ve run
You held on too tight when I was too young
I wish you’d left her alone (I wish you’d left her alone)
You’ve done the damage
But honey, she’s still standing
You brought the fire (fire)
Baby, you burned her
She wasn’t a fighter, so I had to show her
Some people grow up (grow up)
You just grew older
You thought it was done but this isn’t over
This isn’t over
Oh
This isn’t over
Another song that really resonates with this chapter of my life is Cam’s “The Otherside” (look it up, it’s a real banger)
I also found this article for anyone dealing with a similar situation and looking for help:
Below is the PDF of my letter.
My last thought for tonight,… Mental health is very important. I just started therapy this week. I always thought I could handle my thoughts and emotions on my own. I finally told myself that I am not above therapy. My pride can take a backseat for once. I am owning my shit, sitting in my discomfort and putting in the hard work for myself and my daughter. She deserves a happy, healthy, loving mother who knows patience, who listens, understands, and that sincere apologies mean a lot. I have to work hard at this every day.
I can’t blame my mother for everything, but I sure as hell can’t let her get away with her actions. Emotional abuse IS trauma.
It’s taken six years to find strength, grace, and a sense of mental freedom.
I may have cut her out of my life, but it’s only because she handed me the scissors.
You Can Do Hard Things 