Hey guys! It’s been a minute.
Man, the holidays were rough like always. Am I right? But we got through it.
Busy was an understatement over here for me.
Emma and I had four, (YES, I SAID FOUR) Christmases in one week. I was exhausted and mentally drained. She was excited with Christmas magic and filled with glee. Looking back, I have no right to complain because I’d do it all over again for her. She’s my world, my joy, my reason and my purpose. She was destined to be mine and I was destined to be hers.
So,…. how are y’all surviving 2025 so far? I mean, prior to Inauguration Day (I’m not even going to start on that topic, let’s keep things as positive as we can, shall we?). Do you believe in resolutions? If you do, did you make any? For the last several years, I’ve tried to keep the resolution of “Send out more birthday cards.” People love that. We don’t do it enough. Handmade ones are the best.
This year, I didn’t really make any resolutions, I just decided on a few things for myself:
Be Brave
Choose to be Happy Everyday
Live Your Life
See, I consider myself as “not your average widow”. Even though I lost my person, my best friend, the father of our child, the man I considered to be the love of my life, I have decided to live each day with joy, appreciation for the people in my life, overflowing love for my daughter, and the commitment to myself to know my self worth. I am choosing to laugh, to smile, to make plans with friends, to dance in my kitchen at 10:30pm on a Thursday night, and to fall in love again some day.
I am choosing to live. To be happy for me.
There’s a stigma around widows/widowers. There’s a huge range of feelings with grief and many, many unanswered questions about every topic you can think of surrounding death and how do we navigate life afterwards, but we are not “damaged goods”. Fuck that. Broken crayons still color. We are not all constantly in mourning. Are we surviving the best we can? Hell yeah.
I’ve had ONE really bad day of grieving. I have had a lot of moments of grieving, always alone, always in private. There was one last night. I still have Brandon’s phone active and keep it on for the use of shared online accounts, etc. Went to check it last night and the back panel (where it held his driver’s license, CCW license and debit card) opened up on accident and his cards fell out. I looked at his driver’s license. And I cried but I didn’t sob. I just miss him so much. The tears lasted a few minutes. Then I was okay.
Then there are times when I take on a task or challenge myself to do something I’ve never done before and I have this great amount of pride and joy. Yesterday, again, is a prime example. I CHANGED THE WINDSHIELD WIPERS ON MY CAR. Never did it before, he always did it for me. He maintained the car stuff for us. But it wasn’t too hard, it wasn’t the easiest, but I did it (with the help of YouTube at one point).
I thought, “He’d be so damn proud of me. I did this. On my own.” So with a big smile on my face I called the next best person: Jacob. He was super proud of me too. No, for real, he was. He’s the best at celebrating my wins.
My point of this is: Challenge yourself. Be proud of your attempt. Be brave enough to even start.
Even this exact blog entry is a challenge. It’s my homework from my coach.
Back in September, I reached out to a woman in Toronto named Sarah, who is a widow & grief coach, helping widowed, solo parents discover their new identity. She is a widow herself and she is the founder of the group, “Rise Like A Phoenix”, a group for widowed solo moms who are ready to move beyond all the venting and just want the constructive and relatable advice to help move them forward.
When I first read the tagline, “Rise Like A Phoenix” I shouted, “THAT’S ME! I want to rise up, I don’t want to sit and wallow. If the world isn’t going to stop for my grief, then I need to just keep living!” We connected via video chat and when I tell you that there was this significant vibe, it was momentous. Sarah has helped me look at life after death in so many beautiful ways, I can’t thank her enough. She is a friend for life. I always look forward to our video calls every two weeks.
During our last session, we talked about past challenges and how I can start putting myself as a priority, because frankly, I have never done that. My astrological sign of Cancer would never do something like that. We are nurturers. We take care of others and put them first.
But after my job was eliminated a few weeks back, I had to take care of myself. I had to give myself “me ” moments. Had to remember that small wins are still wins and help make me feel in control (and celebrate those wins!). That asking for help is actually really brave and I’m so strong when I do. Learn to explore what my boundaries are and what flexibility might look like for me.
But most of all, be kind to myself.
I’m choosing to be kind to both my head and my heart. Therapy has helped me with that. It’s still very new to me, but I enjoy it. I’m learning how to cope with the past, how to cope with anxiety, how to move forward. I’m embracing it.
Whenever I get ready to go to therapy, I make sure to bring the essentials: water, tissues and my notebook. The notebook that Emma chose for me while shopping at my favorite home decor store, that says “Choose Happy” on the cover. The happiest kid in the world knew exactly what I needed.
That’s what I’m doing in 2025, and I challenge you to do the same. Choose Happy.
Whatever makes you happy, big or small. Do epic shit. Do mediocre shit. If it makes you happy, do it. We only have one life, make it a good one.
I used to think when I was younger, that people who were super optimistic and super happy and told you that you could be exactly the same if you just chose to be happy every morning when you wake up, were just full of shit (and possibly on some sort of drug or just very wealthy to not have any care in the world and had the privilege of being happy automatically). I mean, that could still be the case for someone, but for me, I wake up and actually choose to be happy.
Do I get mad? YEP.
Do I get sad? Also, YEP.
But I get that feeling out however I need to, take a few deep breaths, and go do something that makes me happy. I come back mentally refreshed, in a sense. I try to find joy along the way.
If not, there’s always chocolate.
*ONE LAST THOUGHT*
Even though I lost my job and it was NOT how I (nor my Horoscope) planned my 2025 to start, it has been only one bad day out of 34 so far. I can definitely be happy about that.
You Can Do Hard Things 