Hey strangers!
It’s been a while. C’mon on in, have a seat. Get comfy. Here’s some water. How much water have you had today? Oh, c’mon now! You need more water! We all need to drink more water. It’s good for the skin.
Anyway, I haven’t written anything in months. Why?
LIFE.
I got a new job in late March and I’ll be honest, it was a FUCK ton of information in the beginning. I thought back in 2017 I was out of my element going from the medical services/medical insurance industry to the agricultural service industry (which I had zero clue about) because I’m a true city girl. But going from unemployed (which I totally embraced the much needed three month break for myself) to re-introducing myself back in a business casual office setting, with more set hours and structure, learning new things like local programs (4-H, Family & Consumer Sciences, Water Quality & Control, Snap -Ed, and Agricultural & Natural Resources) in our community provided by my new employer.
Included in my new role, are fiscal responsibilities. I am basically in charge of the “moo-lah”, the “cash-money”, the “bread”.
Okay, I’ll stop.
The fiscal role is a BIG deal. Now I’ve taken accounting classes and I have experience in accounts receivable and payable, payroll, balancing a checkbook and using Excel spreadsheets but nothing like this. There are times I will be looking at four spreadsheets at a time. It’s enough to make your head spin.
So my point is, moving into a new role, a new environment, getting to know new people and being the new kid and trying to gain everyone’s trust, it’s a lot of mental work.
That kind of mental load took a toll on my body instantly. Heavy tension headaches, constant upper back muscle aches, and sore hips all day.
I was miserable physically. I was still continuing my normal monthly appointments for massage therapy and chiropractic care, but some months had more frequent visits due to the pain I was in.
It was so much mentally for me. A lot so fast.
At home, it was a new challenge to find a new routine for us. Since I had been home everyday for a few months, I was able to keep up with the house responsibilities; laundry, cleaning, dishes, etc. Run errands during the day, going to doctor’s appointments and other appointments, going to in person therapy, making lunch plans with friends. I even got an afternoon nap in a few times a week. Not going to lie, I was the happiest I had ever been in a very long time.
But early in this new role, I just felt I couldn’t keep up with anything. My weeknights were consumed with afterschool pickup, trying to settle down an excited Emma from a busy day at school, handling her emotions and mine, being constantly over-stimulated every afternoon, losing my temper almost daily. Making dinner, bath time, bed time, catching up on dishes, cleaning, emails, coaching sessions/homework. My weekends were consumed of family events and laundry, or hanging out with friends and laundry, or catching up on chores and laundry. I felt like I didn’t have time to do anything for myself to relax and regulate my FUCKING NERVOUS SYSTEM.
If “Fight or flight mode” and “auto-pilot” had a love child, it was me.
Then I did the unthinkable. The one thing old me would have never done on her own.
I adopted a dog.
I had been looking at dogs for a while on my local humane society’s Facebook page but I just had this feeling in my gut that I had to wait for the perfect one. And along came Nalani.
Want to know the easiest way to regulate your nervous system?
Adopt a dog.
When I tell you that she instantly regulated my nervous system the day I brought her home, I am not lying. She is the sweetest pup I could ever ask for. But Kelsey, isn’t this just adding one more responsibility to your plate? Yes but it’s also giving me the opportunity to slow down and be home more and give Emma a happier momma. Nalani (I call her Loni) has truly filled a spot in my heart that has been pretty empty for a while.
I’ve given time and patience towards my job, taken initiative to learn the role and responsibilities, ask every question I can think of, write down goals and daily/weekly tasks and try to prioritize my workload (even though we all know that’s not always a guarantee).
I really like my new job, it’s a great opportunity and I definitely have the experience needed for the role. I respect my team, I enjoy learning from each one of them. They all bring something strong to the table and they have a passion for what they do.
Cue “I think I’m gonna like it here!” -Annie, from the Broadway Musical, ‘Annie’ and then add jazz hands….
During the last few weeks, the words that have come back into my life are proud and empowered.
First, I’m just gonna put this out there: I’m not looking to date any guy right now. Dating is a game and I’ve never been too great at strategy. I am me and have zero interest in being fake. Don’t confuse my guard being up as not interested or my kindness as weakness or stupidity. It’s strength, nerves, intuition and bravery all wrapped into one. Not one person knows what I’ve been through, but a lot of people know that Brandon set the bar very high as a life partner, so for me to find a partner of the same caliber will be a diamond in the rough and I really hope he’s worth the wait.
If I’m lucky enough to have it happen organically once again where it’s easy and I feel like myself, I’m all in. I deserve that. I have had to close some chapters this year, but no heartbreak was involved. I truly wish them the best.
I’m proud of myself for recognizing that dating isn’t the end all be all at the moment, and that maybe I’m just not ready for anything right now. And that’s okay. It can change at any time. That’s empowering.
Just before my birthday last week (I turned 29 again!), I found out that one of my closest friends, a former colleague of mine, that her husband, whom I adored just as equally, had passed from battling prostate cancer. He was 57. They were just a few months shy of celebrating 34 years of marriage. Tom was diagnosed in May 2024 and fought like hell for 13 months, just like Brandon did.
I found out about Tom’s passing on what would have been my 13th wedding anniversary. So needless to say, it had been a day.
I reached out to my friend, and surprisingly, I’m not the best with words when it comes to death and sympathy. In this moment, I knew exactly what to say to my friend because I am simply living it.
“Just take it one day at a time. You can do hard things.”
“I have done my share I thought…”
“You’ve hit the epicenter. Now its all about finding your way through it. Everyday. Every minute is going to be a battle. It’s going to test your mental and physical strength. This is where you need to rely heavily on your village, both near and far. asking for help is not weakness, it’s absolute strength. Tell people what you want even if its to be left the hell alone. Give yourself grace.”
WHOA. I just said that? Who am I? Socrates? T-Swift? I was impressed with myself but it was honest. It’s how I get through the day, how I get through the minutes, the hard minutes.
Instantly, I felt empowered. I was proud of myself that I could put those wise words together and bring some sense of comfort to my friend. The evening of Tom’s funeral i sent her the following:
“I’m so proud of you today. Today is one of many heart heavy things you have to do. Close your eyes and tell yourself, ‘I did the thing. I DID the thing.’ Love you.”
There was a sense of purpose that just hit me. The empowerment that hit me, the fact that how proud I am in myself on how far I’ve come in my own journey. I can use that and help Jenny navigate her journey (when she wants on her timeline) and be there for her however I can. I get it. Consistently checking in on her. Reminding her that there is life after death.
There IS life after death. And if you’re reading this, you’re lucky to be here and I’m so very happy that you are. I am proud of you. You are seen. You are alive. You get one chance at this thing called life, so live the ever fucking life out of it.
And don’t forget,…
Remind yourself who the fuck you are.
Oh, and here’s a picture of my dog.
You Can Do Hard Things 